Anger is a feeling; not a behaviour

Excerpts from ‘Anger and Child Development’, the paper presented at Annual National Seminar, Department of Psychology, SNDT University, 2007-2008
by
Mrs. Shaila Naik, Principal, Lords Universal College, Malad East, Mumbai.

Anger is a feeling; not a behaviour
Every human being is born with approximately nine built-in feelings. These feelings later combine with each other and experiences to form our complex emotional life. Positive feelings are Interest, enjoyment; and surprise. The six negative feelings are distress, anger, fear, shame, disgust (a reaction to bad taste) and dis-smell (a reaction to bad odours).
Anger is a powerful feeling. It stimulates actions which can have very far reaching effect on one’s life. Anger may manifest itself in form of aggression, tantrum or hyperactivity. Feeling angry for a longer time and experiencing that feeling frequently develops a pattern. The cause of anger may be different on different occasions but it may be manifested in the same pattern of behaviour. It is therefore essential to understand the causes of anger on various occasions to be able to distinguish between causes that trigger the same behaviour.
There are three primary reasons that kids get angry: 1) They have Unmet Needs, 2) they are experiencing Overwhelming Frustration or 3) Anger has become a Useful Behaviour.
It serves the following purposes.
Attention Seeking: The most basic and fundamental need of children is the need to belong -- to bond and feel connected to the parent and family. To be esteemed and valued as a human being. They have limited vocabulary and cannot express their physical discomfort or emotional insecurity. These make attention seeking, one of the strongest motives underlying the child's misbehaviour
Gain control: Children have strong need to control their environment. They try various means to get what they want. They could be crying, throwing things, shouting or hitting others etc to achieve this. The act that helps in getting what they want becomes a habit soon. Thus children use anger as a tool.
Revenge: Children also strive to protect themselves from their "perception" of an attack or threat to their sense of self, whether real or imaginary. They perceive every reversal, major or minor, as if they were being singled out by others (i.e. parents, teachers) for special torture and punishment. They feel victimized and seek relief from their hurt feelings through acts of revenge
Withdrawal: Children withdraw from overwhelming situations in order to maintain their immature sense of ego and pride, to escape the reality of their own inadequacies. Not talking to friends who threaten or not playing with children with whom winning is not easy are easily recognisable. A child hates to go to school or for any activity if he can’t do it well or the acceptance is not there.

The causes for increased anger lie in our modern life style. Let us examine some of them.
Single Child Families: The child is the focal point for all activities in most families. Elders adjust and accommodate all the desires of the child It is an accepted fact that singles children tend to be self centred and less adaptable. Parents tend to provide everything to the child unconditionally. Fulfilling all demands of children without reasoning is the root cause of children being stubborn. The demands must be rationalised. The child must be taught to deserve it or at least wait for some time before the getting what he/she wants; even when parents are capable of fulfilling it immediately. Children must learn to wait or deserve before they get what they want.
Control in Immature Hands: The child gets undue importance. A child is allowed to make decision for elders. Many buying decisions and travelling decisions are made by children. This gives children undue power. They are too young to exercise any control in using this power. The child enjoys this position and gets used to this. When this supremacy is challenged in school, neighbourhood, it results in to anger. Children making their own decision with proper reasoning should be encouraged. The children trying to decide for elders should be discouraged.
Eating Habits: Today’s children are erratic in eating. The routine of eating is missing in most cases. Children prefer to eat chips, cakes, biscuits and junk food containing a lot of fats and preservatives. Lack of fruits and green vegetable make their diet imbalanced. The digestion is effected when we eat while watching TV. The most powerful enemy of children is the chocolates. Intake of chocolates or cola drinks usurps the sugar level in blood resulting into increased energy levels. The children unknowing become restless or hyperactive or sometimes aggressive. Untimely consumption of chocolates, candies, cakes and cream biscuits mar the appetite and a child falls out of meal routine. Aerated cola drinks with 350 to 600 calories in them are the most disguised enemies. The author has witnessed a case of juvenile diabetes in 12 year old child having no family history of diabetes. The cause if his illness suggested by treating doctors was excessive consumption of cola drinks.
Electronic Games: Most electronic games are races, wars or combats. There are too many activities going on at the same time. Children need to act fast in order to win the game. Longer exposure to these games makes children’s reflexes very quick. Hitting and lashing out become involuntary activities. Children behave more impulsive and less rational. Secondly as a result of war games and races without damage Option, the children lose their sensitivity to destruction or sight of blood. Popular games like WWF nurture sadism. Children idolise the cruel and heartless warriors and their posters are sold at high prise. The children, who do not show respect to grandparents or do not bow to GOD, do fight for their favourite warriors’ poster. One of the side effects of single player game is at the children are unable to face failure in life. A failure in electronic game or defeat on a screen is far easy to bear than the play ground. They can reset and restart the game all over. The same option is not available in real life. Thus children become loner and less tolerant after prolonged use of electronic games.
Effect of Mass Media: Most advertisements target children as the makers of buying decisions. Children fighting for seats in school bus, children talking rudely to cricket coach, running in rain to buy tomato ketchup parents’ permission and money are few of hundreds of examples that set a bad example to children. Glorification of Mafias and antisocial elements in cinema colour their sense of right and wrong. Unmonitored television viewing, viewing of horror shows, violent movies, thrilling stunts etc contribute in making our children angry to a large extent.
Loud and Fast Rhythm Music: The popular music of today is very fast and is normally heard at a high volume. High decibels of sound are proved to have bad effect on blood pressure and cause stress. Constant exposure to loud music causes stress and deafening.
Total Lack of Bed time stories: There were times when children would go to sleep listening grandparents’ stories from epics. The Cinderella, Snow White and seven dwarfs, stories of Ramayana, Mahabharat, Guru Govind Singh, Hazarat Imam formed part of sleeping routine. These stories ensured relaxation and restoration of positive attitude among children. Reading colourful fairy tales to students also developed liking for reading. The power to imagine increased with bed time stories. The bed time stories are very educational and go a long way in inculcating right values.
The above discussion make it very clear that parenting in today’s times is a conscious effort and directly or indirectly our life style is responsible for making our children angry.
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